The biggest thing I was dreading when I started nursing school was the infamous dosage calculations test. Every school approaches it differently, but at mine? You have to get 100% in three tries, otherwise you fail, your clinical and have to start all over again. I took my first one on monday. I made some seriously stupid mistakes. A couple I completely understood, if I had actually made that mistake, I could've killed someone. Today I took my second try. I made one mistake.
Now, I understand why I got it wrong, but it was one of those situations where you have to assume something you'd never assume on the floor. If this was my final chance, I would seriously raise some hell, but it wasn't. Tomorrow is.
I'm trying my hardest to be calm about this, but given what I could lose, I feel like I'm just sitting around waiting for the blade to drop. I've never been in a situation like this before, and I most certainly hope to never be here again. I guess the best thing to do now is to look back on why I wanted to put myself through all this in the first place:
I love helping people and being there for others. I want to be on the front lines helping those that can't help themselves. The greatest thing in the world as a nurse is not necessarily saving lives, although that is a great bonus, but having the knowledge that you made even the smallest difference in someone else's life.
I love learning this stuff. Anatomy and physiology was probably my favorite class, next to chemistry. Once I was in nursing school, though, that topped it all. It's amazing the amount of skill and knowledge a nurse needs to know. I always tell people, once I graduate, they better hand me my PhD! ;)
Easton Friedel and all suffering children/babies out there. They always say, when looking at death, its easier to see an older adult suffer and die then a child, mainly because of the idea of fair and justice. When an 80 year old man dies, we justify it by saying he'd lived a good long life. When a 2 year old child dies, everyone is outraged and demands to know why, because the child had barely started their journey in life. I see it that way, and yet I don't. I see this more as heartbreaking to watch someone suffer and die who doesn't even know what's going on. Whether they are a baby, or an 80 year old dementia patient, they all suffer more, because they can't rationalize what's going on in their heads. For me, that's why it's so hard to watch a child suffer and die. I want, more then anything, to one day work in the NICU. I want to be on that front line and help someone who truly can't help themselves in any manner, nor understands what's going on.
No matter what happens tomorrow, no matter the turnout, I tried my hardest, and God knows I will not go down without a fight!
